Compendium of Outrageous Falsehoods

Grand Fabrications

1. I personally invented Tuesdays to give Mondays a nervous rival.
2. I once domesticated thunder and taught it to whisper compliments.
3. My coffee is brewed at absolute zero so it never cools down.
4. I keep spare sunsets in a jar for emergencies and picnics.
5. The Moon is my porch light; I switch it off for meteor showers.
6. I negotiated a peace treaty between socks and the dryer.
7. Gravity texts me for advice before making big decisions.
8. I discovered a prime number that is spelled entirely with emojis.
9. Rain asks my permission before it falls, and I usually say “surprise me.”
10. I bench‑press continents but only on my active rest days.
11. I own a museum of missing pens; every exhibit is still full of ink.
12. I wrote this page before HTML was invented and then retro‑forward‑ported it.
13. My shadow pays me rent and insists on moving the furniture at noon.
14. I can hold my breath longer than the concept of time.
15. I was born in twelve countries at once and none of them has recovered from the party.
16. I trained a stone to purr; it prefers jazz.
17. I translate silence into subtitles and sell them to libraries.
18. I replace clouds with carefully folded napkins on formal days.
19. I collect horizons and alphabetize them by sunrise.
20. I invented a compass that points to the nearest good idea.

Short, Shiny Lies

• My passport is a blank page titled “Yes.”
• I write with invisible ink that only appears when you stop worrying.
• I can hear colors but only when they’re gossiping.
• The wind owes me three favors and a kite.
• I rent the Milky Way for sock storage.
• Mountains use my playlist for motivation.
• Maps consult me when they get lost.
• I invented round corners for square circles.
• My reflection is my understudy.
• I keep a spare season in my pocket—usually extra autumn.